A Little Bit of Me

You know, when I started high school I could have told you exactly where I was going in life. I was self assured and I was directed; firm on a path that I had set myself from a young age. But all too soon my path started to crumble. The bricks were tired and soon I was left with little but a dirt road. Yes then I knew it all. I may have been young and naïve but I had a solid head on my shoulders. I had weathered some very rough storms. I lost five members of my family in one year, my father included, after that you grow. You may not always want to grow up, hell I know I didn’t, but you have to. When tragedy strikes you have one of two choices, give up or fight. I fought, I fought for a very long time and I still fight to this day. Life doesn’t give chances easily; I believe I may have missed some of my chances, because I certainly have lost my way. Life never did get any easier for me, it kept to a steady mortality rate that I can’t say I ever got used to. Life also taught me that it won’t stop just because you want it to. Life has its own path, we are all merely along for the ride.

I am strong, I don’t always believe it but I know I am. I have spent a lot of my life tragically searching for missing parts of my heart and wondering if I don’t find them, will they ever heal. I don’t like change and I have never been convinced that it’s good for me; but I accept it and I try to learn from it. I love people, watching them and caring for them, they are fascinating and beautiful. I am stubborn, I hate to apologise and I like my own way. Johann Franck wrote once “Defy the old dragon, defy fear. The world may rage and quake but I shall remain singing in perfect peace." That was quoted in a show I love, I hadn’t heard it in a very long time. It reminds me of myself, or at least it reminds me of the person I want to be, if that’s possible. Things change, and I don’t like it but I can’t stop it and I have to stop fighting it. The world rages and you stand tall to break the waves and see the calm sea on the other side. You may not know that you can cope but you do. You show fate that it doesn’t matter what he throws or how he hurts you, you will survive with time. You may not always do it in perfect peace, but you do it for yourself.